This week on Facebook seems to be – let’s challenge people to do stupid shit week. I’ve been challenged to do this, challenged to do that…challenged to show I love my husband. Challenged to show I like to eat. Challenged to show I’m a good mom. Challenged to show how many people I’ve had sex with…every time someone tags me on one of these things, I wonder ‘Why am I on Facebook?’ Then I scroll down and I get lost in the insanity again and again. It makes me feel things that are uncomfortable, it makes me do stupid stuff – post stupid stuff – and try way to hard. Today, I ask myself – why am I on Facebook? And my only explanation is that it’s the Devil and it’s sucked me in.
Here are some reasons why I wonder if Facebook is bringing about the apocalypse…or at least Idiocracy.
Here are some reasons why I wonder if Facebook is bringing about the apocalypse...or at least Idiocracy.
It makes me jealous of my peers.
Josie is on another vacation. Look! There are pictures of her in the Red Wood forest. Last month she was on the beach. Next month where will she be? How can she possibly afford taking that many vacations? Josie must be running up her credit cards hella crazy. Josie’s an idiot.
Image from Awkward Family Vacation Photos.
It makes me hate my cousin.
My cousin just posted on Facebook that if I vote for a certain candidate that she’ll unfriend me, mock me behind my back, and label me a fool for life. My cousin is very mean. I’m voting for this particular candidate and she says I’m a fool. I hate my cousin now.
Facebook makes me think I’m a special snowflake.
The only thing these “memes” prove is that I’m gullible. And bored. And I can’t add…
30 to 35% of humans suffer with insomnia
Only 1% of the population have an IQ over 140
Do the math.
Did you get the right answer? Great! You’re good at puzzles.
Find Your Name in Here and You’re a Genius! Only .1111% of people find it! If you can find it – well then feel special about yourself. You should no longer doubt your choices in life, or regret adopting that 7th cat – or having a one-night stand with the guy that kept scratching his crotch, because you’re in the .11111%
It makes me stalk my exes.
I haven’t thought about Joe in ten years. But, OMG he’s friends with Sally and saw that he commented on her post and I almost commented on her post, but then I saw Joe’s comment and flipped. OMG Joe looks bad. Soooo bad. OMG Joe is the white or wheat guy at Subway. OMG Joe is dating a chick that looks like a stripper. OMG I just spent three hours looking at all of Joe’s public profile stuff. So glad I dumped him. I’m so much better than him.
It makes me unoriginal.
Huh. Josie just went to Rockin’ Sushi Bits and checked in. She took a selfie outside and that looks really hot. I need to do that. That’s cool, she got a ton of likes. Must do it, but I have to make sure enough time passes that I don’t look like I’m copying, but not too much time so the coolness doesn’t die down.
It makes me feel guilty.
Like and share if you love Jesus! If you don’t like and share, you hate Jesus. Uh??? OMG I must share or I’m going to Hell. Like and share if you love your mom. Like and share if you love your daughter.
I’m cleaning out my facebook friends – say one thing YOU like about me and then like and then copy and then paste and then share this post on your timeline to see how many other fools will do this too.
If I wave – who will wave back – those people are my REAL friends.
Say how we met, but make it up, and then add penis to the end of it. Do a dance. Share it. Then like it. If you don’t, you hate me. Hater!
It makes me paranoid.
Hackers can hack all over your account by moaning.
Jim Carey is dead…click this link.
PSA there is man stealing dogs in your neighborhood!
PSA – If you copy and paste this status update Facebook will know not to annihilate you when the apocalypse hits.
And now I know I can’t get my RV – or my 5K, or my 6M from the government!!!
I Feel Left Out Because I Don’t Have a Mental Illness.
I tell my other cousin – the one that doesn’t post shit on politics on Facebook – who is a shrink, or therapist – something like that – well I tell him, I’m pretty sure I would get diagnosed with some form of mental disorder if I actually talked to a person of his kind. I’m not joking. I’m pretty sure I would. Not that I’m saying I’m bonkers, but c’mon if I really said the stuff that was going on in my head out loud for a trained professional to hear – they’d throw the meds at me. Every writer could probably agree – mention the voices of the characters that run dialogue through your head at all hours of the night – twenty years ago – that would be schizophrenia. My aunt has that – she doesn’t channel it into books though, she channels it into banging on the walls and stalking her neighbors. Matter of perspective. But, Facebook sure makes it cool to have some sort of disorder, or really – diagnose everyone else with a disorder. I have never been more aware of my Facebook friends “issues.” Depressed, they post. Feeling immature – post about that. Feeling homicidal – sure, let’s post. Great that you’re getting it out there – but uh – other people are reading that, it’s not your diary.