Fifty Shades of Grey, A Wicked Junkee TOP TEN SUCK #Review

Warning: Wicked Junkee posts contain bad language and wicked thoughts.

Top Ten Reasons NOT to read FIFTY SHADES OF GREY

  1.  Because the majority of  “the people” refer to FSOG as Mommy Porn. Who the fuck wants to read Mommy Porn? By calling it Mommy Porn you’ve turned legitimate erotica into something that makes me feel guilty and dirty.
  2. Since it is Mommy Porn that means your mother and your grandmother probably read FSOG and then went to their happy place while imagining a certain scene…and you don’t want to share that type of moment with your mother and grandmother. I don’t want to think of my mother and grandmother in any type of sexual situation, especially ones that involve nipple clamps and red rooms of pain. Or is that just me?
  3. The main character is this dumb, insecure, mouse, in her own head, which is the books POV – but of course EVERY MAN wants her and shes soooo smart and sooo hot and sooo smart, I think I said that already. She deals with her insecurities with multiple personalities, named INNER GODDESS & INNER LIBRARIAN or something like that. The mentally challenged inner goddess even likes to do cart wheels in her head and runs a constant inner drama as Ana gets her freak on. The girl shows no signs of intelligence throughout the novel, she only displays signs of mentally instability.
  4. Included with her inner goddess, Ana also has a subconscious, which plays a very conscious part in her life. The moronic inner goddess and the conscious subconscious tend to glare at each other and fight within the empty confines of Ana’s mind. More proof to the instability of the main character’s mental health.
  5. The main characters have orgasms from tit sucking. Better tit sucking then toe sucking, but still – if it was that easy to have an orgasm…well I wouldn’t leave the house (I can reach my boob, no I won’t show you!).
  6. The bitch, erm main character is a twenty-something virgin with no computer or cell phone. Between the titty-gasm and the virginal, technophobe status – how unbelievable can you get? Oh yeah, the main douche is a twenty-something billionaire, that was abused as a child which lead him to his sadist tendencies, while he’s not sitting in his big glass office glowering at his hot secretary – he’s hand-gliding, flying a plane, mountain climbing, learning his 10th language and conquering China – in his spare time.
  7. Droning, monotonous repetition. There are 67 instances in which Ana rolls her eyes or Christian refers to her rolling her eyes. Christian growls 14 times. Ana cries out “Aargh!” 3 times during sex. Ana also reacts with an “oh my” over 60 times to a Christian reveal. Ana’s favorite curse is something like “Holy crap” or “Double Crap” which she says 93 times. Ana blushes, flushes or turns “stars and stripes” crimson over 100 times. I could go on…
  8. Half the book is a ridiculous email correspondence back and forth between Christian and Ana. The book is 500+ pages – so that is probably about 250 pages of dumb emails where they change subject and signature to convey their witty current emotional state. The other half is divided between the 20+ sex scenes.
  9. The dude is a fucking stalker, he stalks her across the country and then yanks out her tampon to have raunchy sex. Yum.
  10. The scene: Ana is tied to the bedpost. The line: “Holy cow, I cannot move my arms.” My reaction: You are a dumb ass.
    This books sucks worse than a Christian Grey flavored popsicle. *gag*
Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James Top Ten #Review

Fifty Shades of Grey by E L James

Series: Fifty Shades #1
Published by The Writer's Coffee Shop on January 1st 201
Pages: 808
1 Stars

 E L James is a TV executive, wife, and mother of two, based in West London. Since early childhood, she dreamt of writing stories that readers would fall in love with, but put those dreams on hold to focus on her family and her career. She finally plucked up the courage to put pen to paper with her first novel, Fifty Shades of Grey.E L James is currently working on the sequel to Fifty Shades of Grey and a new romantic thriller with a supernatural twist.

When literature student Anastasia Steele goes to interview young entrepreneur Christian Grey, she encounters a man who is beautiful, brilliant, and intimidating. The unworldly, innocent Ana is startled to realize she wants this man and, despite his enigmatic reserve, finds she is desperate to get close to him. Unable to resist Ana’s quiet beauty, wit, and independent spirit, Grey admits he wants her, too—but on his own terms.

Shocked yet thrilled by Grey’s singular erotic tastes, Ana hesitates. For all the trappings of success—his multinational businesses, his vast wealth, his loving family—Grey is a man tormented by demons and consumed by the need to control. When the couple embarks on a daring, passionately physical affair, Ana discovers Christian Grey’s secrets and explores her own dark desires.

Erotic, amusing, and deeply moving, the Fifty Shades Trilogy is a tale that will obsess you, possess you, and stay with you forever.

This book is intended for mature audiences.