Today, in honor of the RT Convention, this edition of Dishing Junk will focus on dishing some junk about New Orleans.
Things NOT to do in New Orleans
- Do not FLASH anyone on Bourbon Street your boobs or ass. They only reward you with a bit of plastic beads that cost about .25¢ and will probably post your picture on the social networks or youtube. You should at least demand more money…
- Do not book a balcony room. The only time you want a balcony overlooking Bourbon Street for your hotel room is if you DO NOT want to sleep your entire visit. Update: A few of you asked me to clarify on this point. The reason behind this is the noise level. Remember there is NO CURFEW and there is no decibel restriction in the French Quarter. Bars are open 24/7. And it is a competing sound level from each bar. Not to mention the tourist traps that blare music from their open doors also. So, it’s mainly sound. Balconies are hella fun…we rented one for Superbowl 2009 – see the post here. But, we didn’t sleep in the room, we stayed for the game and WENT HOME. This vid is a good representation of sound level from a balcony.
- Do not wear a ton of beads. Mardi Gras was in March, it is the only time that you can walk around with beads around your neck and not look like a tourist. If you want a sign that screams “I’m a tourist, take advantage of me” – wear a shit ton of beads around your neck. In the convention – sure. Out in the French Quarter, not so much.
Do not take a Katrina tour. If your home was flooded, broken into, peed on, pushed through a concrete embankment and turned upside down and then the insurance refused to pay… but then you managed to scrape together a few bucks, rebuild and set up shop in your neighborhood in which only two of your neighbors have rebuilt…would you want a tourist bus coming down your street to gawk at you? Yeah, I thought so.
- Do not walk barefoot in the French Quarter. It will be prom season in New Orleans when you are attending the RT Convention. Look for the dumb teenagers walking around with no shoes on in their prom dresses and pray that they don’t end up with Hepatitis. Buy a cheap pair of flip-flops at a tourist shop, but even that is kinda skeevy.
- Do not answer anyone that says “I know where you got dem shoes?” They do know where you got dem, you got dem on Bourbon Street, which is where these vultures tend to hang-out.
Do not spend all your time in the French Quarter, there is so much more in New Orleans to do then rat the stinky streets of the Quarter.
- Do not wear heels if you are traversing the Quarter. Unless you want to sprain your ankles. Ever walk on cobblestones in heels? Well, if you want to give it a try be my guest. But, you might end of doing #5 before long. Yuck.
- Do not be stupid about your purse, wallet or phone. Crime isn’t ridiculous in the city, but it does exist. Place valuables in front pockets and make sure they are slim enough not to “broadcast” their locations. If you use a backpack, have it locked up, same with your purse – it shouldn’t be open and screaming “take me!”
- Do not forget your umbrella. It rains daily in New Orleans, most of us, just pull up our big girl panties and sprint through the wetness – but if you don’t want your do getting drowned, bring a brella.
- Do not bring valuables with you. Better to just leave them at home. By the time I got married, I didn’t hang out in the Quarter, but friends of mine that were engaged that worked or played in the Quarter…well they had their “cheap” engagement rings. Fake cubic zirconium engagement rings. Just in case. I would just leave my rings at home. But, the point is to not be flashy…just in case.
- Do not wander around alone at night. Crime, again is a thing in New Orleans, but it is usually restricted to certain areas. Make sure you stay in the well-lighted more secure areas of the city, don’t wander into cemeteries or bad neighborhoods alone.
- Do not walk out with glass – ask for a “to-go cup” and you can travel the streets with plastic! Ask any bartender for a to-go cup and he will know what you are talking about. It’s the glass that the cops frown on, even though you’ll see a few fools walking around with beer bottles, don’t take any chances.
- Do not try and hail a cab. This ain’t New York, this is New Orleans. Cabs won’t respond to whistles, if you see one, jump in front of it, waving your hands, or go to a cab stand. Make sure if you do jump out in front of it, you are in a slow-speed area.
- Do not buy a shirt from a tourist shop that says, “I got Bourbon faced on Shit street.” It’s only funny for like 1 minute…
As always, stay good. Can’t wait to meet everyone at RT!