There has been a policy change at Amazon.com – and I have been decreed by the Ministry of Truth to relegate you with the news of this change. In order for you to review a product on Amazon.com a few trifle ordinances have been put in place. Please abide by these rules, or judgement will be enacted and punishment will be issued*.
Amazon.com New Policy Rules & Regulations:
You must provide three forms of identification to review a product or comment in a forum on Amazon.com, these forms of identification are as follows: Drivers License, Passport, Valid Credit card, Social Security Card, Birth Certificate. If you can not provide these forms of identification, you can bypass this rule by providing a blood sample or DNA mapping and allow Amazon.com to place a barcode on your person in the following areas: wrist, back of neck or inner forearm.
From this time until we deem it should change, we have enacted a new form of language that should be used on Amazon.com. This is to promote good will amongst the consumers and proprietorship on our site, not to in any way limit your expression or thoughts. By restricting words and language on the site, we will make Amazon.com a better place and everyone will be happier for it! To find out the proper usage of AmazonSpeak please go to our breakdown. To give you an idea of proper Amazonspeak**, the following words have been stricken (in addition to all words considered vulgar) from our language:
- Amazon Monitors.
Amazon will also be asking for your service in monitoring the forums and reviews. Amazon has employed a large amount of policy police to go about and check reviews and forums and report any malicious activity. We also ask that you, the USER report any suspicious or malicious activity. Even if it is a family member, or friend – you want to keep Amazon a friendly and enjoyable place. Nothing will happen – we’ll just send them a note, or a small punishment*, no reason to be alarmed. Again, we want Amazon to be a fun and friendly place, the top most goal is Happiness. And Happiness is following the rules. If all users believe there is someone watching them, all the time, they won’t stray from the predetermined path. And the path is happiness.
If you feel these rules are too restrictive, JUST REMEMBER, happiness is the number one goal!
“The choice for mankind lies between freedom and happiness and for the great bulk of mankind, happiness is better.” – George Orwell, 1984
*Punishments issued for violation of new Amazon TOS is as follows and will be issued in accordance of the severity of rule breakage:
- Called a hater, with the label “hater” placed by your REAL amazon name
- Amazon will publish your address on your profile page in order for people to send you thoughtful messages at your home address
- You will be placed on the “Bully” list, along with your picture and email addresses of your workplace, church and close friends and family members. This allows the injured parties to email these people and tell them about how you harmed them.
- All your reviews will be removed and replaced with the words “I Loved This Book” along with a five star rating so you can make amends to the injured parties.
- You will be banished form the
internetAmazon, and depending on the crimeTOS violation, we will determine the time limit of that banishment.
- An independent 3rd party review board will be brought in to determine the punishment. Currently, the board is made up of random authors and journalists, headed by popular, best-selling author Anne Rice
**AmazonSpeak – the proper words and phrases to be used when discussing a topic, product or having a conversation, while on the site, Amazon.com. AmazonSpeak is not about censorship, but about promoting happiness and a quicker way for you to convey your ideas and thoughts. There is no need to think that hard when writing a review, just use the predetermined AmazonSpeak.
This post is purely satire and is in no way a commentary on any of the entities mentioned or displayed above. Amazon.com has nothing to do with this post. This post was inspired by the “Cyberbullying” petition and George Orwell’s 1984.