Dishing Junk – The act of dispensing ideas of little value in a casual or silly manner.

WTF Moments in Romance Novels…

I have read a few books in my day and there are some things that just make me stop and go WTF did I just read? Here are some of the craziest scenarios that have either made me stop reading the book, or read on just to try and figure out what the hell is going on. Some of these scenes will be graphic, because a lot of them happen within romance scenes. You are warned.


Sexual Escapades of Faeries

Laurel K. Hamilton, the name has become synonymous with WTF. From her twitter tirades to her insane writing, I was once a fan but now her books have become a literary car wreck for me. My first bought of WTFery from her came within the pages of her Merry Gentry series, which I held out with…reading book after book, until I realized that only an hour had transpired and Merry had has sex with 50 people…

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The image above is the best thing I’ve found on deviantart.com in a long time! This is a chibi representation of all the Merry Gentry characters. Merry has a few men… 😉 This is created by an artist on DA -> Hep-Hap {source} Doyle looks constipated.

“Thanks, but I don’t drink,” she said as she ignored his arm and breezed past him. “I’m just here to get laid.”

…By all of the men that are just standing around waiting with their faerie penises in their hand…

Speaking of the fae and their lack of sensibilities, even when you introduce a convenience store clerk to the mix, WTFery ensues, in fact in Amy Lane’s Little Goddess series, orgasms spurt forth foliage. It’s like insta-garden, have an “O”, get a bush in the shape of a chick giving a guy a BJ. Nice right? I always wanted that in my garden.


Big Pimpin’ – The Tricked Out Alpha

jrw-cover-lav-bigThe SciFi Hero

Ever hear of something called Diphallia? It is an actual medical condition, rare but documented where a male is born with two peens. Two. Obviously a few authors have heard about this rare medical condition, usually they implement it in an “alien species.” This article of course would have more impact if I remember the title, but I just can’t find this book! I just remember it was about a female pilot who has to “transport” a sex-slave and I believe they paint him gold with some kind of enhancer dust. He’s actually some kind of agent, pretending to be docile and the captain wants to test out the goods when she realizes he has two happy sticks.

Then there is the “barb” which gives me the freakin’ heebie jeebies. The barb that latches on to the chick and keeps her in place until the guy finishes. You find these type of equipment in animals and science fiction and fantasy books. Authors like JR Ward and Lora Leigh implement the barb with great flourish and even make it sexy – even though all I think is PAIN – WTF is that?? Youch!!! Rhevenge might sound sexy on paper but he needs to keep his peen in his pants!

How big is it?!

After viewing some tweets about a certain very large penis, I had to check out T.C. Lee’s ASSUME THE POSITION and read just HOW big is too big. The character is a cop with a Wang the size of a Winnebago and likes to have his naughty parties with a lot slaps and tickles — emphasis on the slaps. Which made for more “yowls” then “oohs” as I read along. Granted, I know every man would love to have an eleven inch penis, and most women would titter if their man pulled out a bitty baby one and said “you likey?” But, really — it’s supposed to feel nice, not like reverse child birth.


What did you call it?

I’m not going to cite all the book titles, but ever get stumped by what the author describes the naughty parts? There have been some fabulous descriptions and some not so sexy slang…these are the ones that made me stop and go WTF?!

The Big V:

Moist Channel
Moist Flaps (will they fly?)
Cave
Velvet Sheath (my cave feels like velvet…!)

The Tatas:

Funbags (I’ll show you fun!)
Melons
Soft Orbs (are they glowing?)

The Juicy Bits:

Musky Scent (I think of animals – skunks in particular)
Love nectar
Milk (eww)
Honey
Spurting Volcano
Dewy

The Big P:

Member (the male member)
Dagger (to describe penis! Ouch!)
Baby-maker
Meat-Stick, Meat-Injection, Meat Meat Meat


And I will leave you there. Have a great day everyone.