Dishing Junk – The act of dispensing ideas of little value in a casual or silly manner.

With all the drama that happens lately, I believe there must have been some author forum in the back rooms of the internet that got a few people thinking that, “Bad publicity is still publicity.”

Some authors figured that their book had 2 pageviews on amazon and not one purchase — so at least a little bad press might sell some books. Right?

I thought I might endeavor to assist them in this matter. Here are my ten tips when embracing…

“There is no such thing as bad publicity except your own obituary.” – Brendan Behan

  1. 1. Create three accounts on Amazon, make sure to purchase your book with these accounts. Then write glowing reviews of your book. Make sure to give it 4 stars (so no one suspects anything). If you have any negative reviews. Comment on their reviews all call those reviewers very hostile terms, use words like rape, racist, misogynist and compare your own writing to great misunderstood authors like Kipling and Emerson, James Joyce…
  2. 2. Engage with your editor, agent or just bestie on twitter and talk about your latest bad review or critic. Make sure to use inflammatory words when talking about this critic.
  3. 3. Speaking of twitter, stalk readers on twitter and then send them a link with nothing but, “Buy my book! Please.” {link} Pls RT Don’t forget the please.
  4. 4. Keep a list of every person that ever turned you down when you tried to give them a review copy and post it online with the title of “These people wouldn’t know a good book if it bit them on their ass.”
  5. 5. File a lawsuit against large companies that allow negative reviews.
  6. 6. Back to negative reviews, post negative reviews on the books you think are in direct competition with your own. Make sure to check that you are posting it under one of your fake accounts, wouldn’t want to do that under your own name.
  7. 7. Write a blog post about how dumb your readers are for buying your book because it’s very sexy, or maybe you wrote it in one month.
  8. 8. Hire a private detective to investigate each of your negative reviews and then post the information you find on the internet. Or, if you don’t have the money to hire a private investigator, just make shit up.
  9. 9. Once you’ve cause a ruckus, get your husband, wife etc. to go a comment on the posts that are being written by you and inform them to use inflammatory words…the stronger the better. Then claim you had no control over them…they were defending your honor.
  10. 10. When the shit hits the fan…troll troll and more troll! The more you troll the more heads will roll. You are an internet god and it’s just Facebook and Twitter…what can happen?

Finally, after the ruckus has settled down and people have forgotten you again, go back to step number one and start all over again.