In the last week, my Facebook feed was full of these:
These posts were ridiculously aggravating. But, everyone did one. Everyone laughed, it was like one big ironic shame fest. People posted these funny mocking images, and tittered in comments about how funny it was. It was one part mocking and two parts nonsensical, it was a Facebook perfect storm. Most of them were benign, but some of them were a jab at some of the more common practices on social media. And they always ended with Be Like This. If you’re like me, you don’t like to be likeanyone. And you especially don’t like being told to be like your moronic co-worker, Madison (see above), who has a tendency to hang out in the bathroom for forty-five minutes to avoid work. Let’s not be like Madison, be like you…and take glee in annoying your Facebook friends. Here are some tips.
Take it to the Next Level
Avoid the mundane and shoot for over-the-top. Why post that it’s raining? Go outside, lay on the ground and get an action shot. Don’t be a mundane.
Avoid the Depressing
No matter how badly you are spiralling into your cookie dough, never post that! Make it cool and awesome. Never post that you are becoming a hermit and haven’t bathed or changed out of your PJs for three days. Post a random thought about mental illness (it’s cool to be mentally ill now) and how sometimes you just can’t face the onslaught of humanity. Receding to my safe place with my cat, my book and my favorite prescription of Xanex. You can even make it a political protest if you want to show your support of certain belief or anti-belief.
See! Pithy, political and cool.
Keep it Real
But no, keep it really fake. If you don’t have anything important to say, just post something fake. You don’t have to lie. Well, maybe little lies. Everyone lies on Facebook.
If you don’t have anything to post – say it in a song. Find the coolest song ever (check the charts on iTunes) and post those lyrics. Make sure it’s not a meaningless song, those lyrics have to have some punch.
Brag it Out
No one else is going to go to bat for you, you might as well just hit it and roll with it. Your life is awesome, you should let people know!
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This week on Facebook seems to be – let’s challenge people to do stupid shit week. I’ve been challenged to do this, challenged to do that…challenged to show I love my husband. Challenged to show I like to eat. Challenged to show I’m a good mom. Challenged to show how many people I’ve had sex with…every time someone tags me on one of these things, I wonder ‘Why am I on Facebook?’ Then I scroll down and I get lost in the insanity again and again. It makes me feel things that are uncomfortable, it makes me do stupid stuff – post stupid stuff – and try way to hard. Today, I ask myself – why am I on Facebook? And my only explanation is that it’s the Devil and it’s sucked me in.
Here are ten reasons why I wonder if Facebook is bringing about the apocalypse…or at least Idiocracy.
I get it. I really do get it. One star reviews can be painful. Especially if they get personal. Authors get them, if you don’t have any, thank your diety of choice. I’m currently up to 14 1-star reviews on Amazon for all the books, but the majority are for RUN. Not that I’m counting, I went and looked for this post. I won’t look on Goodreads. You know why? I don’t want to. I don’t care. I really don’t care. You might think I’m bending the truth there, especially when you see that my books have been called, “horrible,” “porn with zombies running around,” and “One of the worst books I’ve ever tried to read.” But, really, it’s nothing. I wrote a book. Enjoying a book is a matter of taste. My book didn’t satisfy those people’s taste. If I had a freak out over every 1-star review I would be a mental case. And even if I feel a twinge – I remind myself – they read my book. My book! They read it!!!!
It seems to happen more and more, either my propensity for “looking away” has diminished, or people just DGAF anymore. Blogging has exploded, petered out and then exploded again with a veritable lunacy of every make, model, and variety of crazy. Not to mention the authors that have flooded the scene, all becoming more and more prevalent with each insane book they publish. It used to be that an incident happened every now and again, somebody would lose their shit and the internet would go bonkers and then it would die down and we would all forget. Now – it’s like every day. Has the world gone mad? Or is it just that our little part of the universe finally caught up to the Kardashian mentality of the rest of the world that we thought we were to good to be a part of?