Dishing Junk – The act of dispensing ideas of little value in a casual or silly manner.

Ever have a narrator ruin a book for you? I have! It is a terrible experience, to listen to a bad narrator, drone on and on and turn a good book, into a painful experience.

AUDIOBOOK LOVERAs an Audiobook Nut – I don’t want my audiobook to be a painful experience. I want crazy, happy feels for the narrator. Especially if it is a beloved series. But, it doesn’t happen all the time – and every now and again – the narrator goes really, really wrong. Let me give you some examples…

The Lip Smacker

Lip Smacker

The Lip Smacker, I don’t know whether the narrator needs some chapstick or has to take a few more gulps of water, but this person sounds like they are talking with their mouth full of food. Disgusting to hear the spit just slapping back and forth in the mouth…and I have to hear it up close and personal through my ear buds. No. No. To the Hell No. You nasty. Take a sip of water buddy.

Accents Be Gone!!!!!

The author just mentioned that the guy has a hot English accent, but the narrator is not even trying to make it happen. In fact, she’s not even trying to make him sound manly. She’s just basically reading the book. Um, the beauty of a great audiobook are the voices. At least try.

Orgasmic

Audiobook Fails

Wow. Your breathing is making me feel really uncomfortable. In fact, if I wasn’t pretty sure you had to record this with other people at least close by, I might think that you are enjoying yourself a little too much. Did the author really right all those “oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh’s” into the text, or was the narrator just adding it for effect. I get it, she enjoyed it. But, I’m kinda feeling like I just watched a porno.

Is That How They Say it? No.

I’ve been listening to the OUTLANDER series, and the narrator consistently says the word plaid over and over again. She pronounces it “played” though.  “His played was all dirty.” Is this a Highlander thing, cause most of the people pronounce plaid – plad?  So, every time she says it, I’m popped out of the story. Granted she might be trying to be authentic – but it just bugged me. That is the one I could name off the top of my head, most of the time, it’s every day words like electricity, or subpoena that they are getting wrong and it makes me go, huh?

You Ain’t No Native

I usually don’t listen to audiobooks that are based in New Orleans, because the majority of the times they get it really wrong. We screw up all of our words, so if you don’t ask a native, you won’t say it right. When it’s messed up, it is an eye-roll moment and I find myself not enjoying the story as much, because it’s not authentic.

Consistency

I know the author named their character something really cray cray – but didn’t you ask her/him how to pronounce that name? Cause you just pronounced it like five different ways. You think someone would have caught that.

Little Girly Voice

girly

Boys have to do girls voices, girls have to do boys voices. That is just the nature of the game. There are very few audiobooks that can boast a full cast. Audiobooks usually only happen in that fashion when they are about to become a MOVIE. A big movie – like Ender’s Game. Most of the time, you got a chick doing guy voices or vice versa. And sometimes those voices go terribly wrong. Like when a female narrates a big Alpha hotness and makes him sound like he’s got his balls in a vice. Or a male narrates a female and turns her into some kind of old woman or a badly stylized drag queen. She’s supposed to be tough, just not sound like she’s hiding a penis. Just saying.

Bo-oring…

I’m sleeping, you are so boring, droning and droning in your old man / old woman voice. This is the reason I couldn’t listen to GAME OF THRONES. Droning and droning and droning.

The Long Pause

These weird pauses between paragraphs make me think that I actually hit the stop or pause button on my player. Why was there that weird pause, don’t they have people to edit that out?

It Don’t Fit

The voice just doesn’t fit the character. The heroine sounds flighty and young, when she is reading for a mature, tough as nail character. Or the reverse, when a character sounds way too old for the young adult character they are reading. Just doesn’t fit.

Do you enjoy audiobooks? What issues do you have with narrators?